Thanks Billy for the transcript

Regis: Keeps us laughing weekly on Everybody Loves Raymond. Just as funny off screen as well, with her new book “Motherhood & Hollywood”, which takes a humorous look at show biz, marriage, parenting, and rest of her life, here is Patricia Heaton. 

(Patricia enters) 
PH: Hi Regis. How’re you doing? 

Kelly: How’re you doing? 

PH (touching Kelly’s stomach): Hi! You crazy girl…you are having another one? 

Kelly: I’m catching up-to you… 

PH: Oh my God, you are out of your mind. 

Kelly: You know. After you have the first, you lose your mind a little bit allowing you to have the second, and then it’s completely gone, allowing you to have the rest. 

PH: This summer…. we had such a relaxed summer this year. We felt so laid back. We had great vacation with the kids. The first vacation where we came back from, and we actually were rested when we got back, and not exhausted and cranky. 

Regis: Where did you go? 

PH: Hawaii. Maui. Very nice. So we started thinking, hey maybe we should have another kid. We can do this. Then, the school started, and I had to get up and do 4 lunches in the morning, find out all their shoes, and check their home-works. And… I am also the den mother of my son’s scout troop this year, so I don’t think we are doing any more kids. 

Kelly: You know how lucky I am? We are not allowed to bring lunches from home at my son’s school. 

PH: What do you mean not allowed to? 

Regis: They are fed squab every lunch. 

Kelly: Some of the kids in the school have allergy problem, so they control all the meals, and food from outside is not allowed in the school. 

PH: You know what my mother used to give me for breakfast? Tang and space food sticks. That was what we would eat and now they are controlling the food in school? One of my friends, actress Maggie Wheeler [aside: Maggie Wheeler is best known for her role as Janice on Friends, but she has made guest appearances on ELR as Linda], her kids go to one of this fairyland school in LA. They’re not allowed to have sodas, which most schools can’t have now. But, they’re not allowed to bring cookies also, because they’re not nutritious enough. Come on! Come on! 

Kelly: You know in my son’s school... 

(At this time, Regis feigns boredom by yawning) 

PH: Oh, Reg! So, back to the spanking movie. (They were talking about this in earlier part of the show) 

Regis: Have you ever met James Spader? 

PH: No, but I’ve heard all about that movie. Gosh Reg, you are really into. …Listen Kelly, if I were you, I would watch out. He comes in with a carrot. Run! 

Regis (turning to Patty): So, let’s talk about you for just a minute. There is something different about you Patricia. 

PH: Yeah? Yeah? 

Regis: Yeah. You look very good. 

PH: Thank you. 

Kelly: We were all drooling over you at the Emmys. You were stunning! 

(Applause). The dress was up to here, and (gesturing) down to here. 

PH: You know what? I felt it was too much bosoms … 

Kelly: No! The bosoms were nice. The girls were in the town! 

PH: My friends…my girlfriends Cagney and Lacey, as I call them (laughs). You know, I was just in Cleveland doing a radio show, and a nun from my old high school called me, and said we are so thrilled about your success, and I said sister, did you see the Emmys on Sunday, and when she said yes I did, I said sister, I am soooo sorry about my bosoms (everybody laughs) 

Regis: You loved it! You secretly loved it! Now comes the apology “I am sorry”. 

PH: No, you know…. 

Regis: But that night you were like (gesturing) Hey!, Hey!

(Everybody laughs….) 

PH: This is the deal. All year long on Raymond, I wear a sweater set and pairs of jeans. So, I figured once a year, I trod them out, let them come up for the air, and then put them back…. (Laughing) 

Regis: James Spader would’ve loved that! 

Regis: Patricia Heaton’s new book. Very funny. Written by herself. 

PH: Yeah.. 

Regis: Graduated from Ohio State. Did you major in Journalism? 

PH: I started as Journalism major, but changed into theater. 

Regis: Your dad was a sportswriter? 

PH: Yeah, my dad was a sportswriter. My brother, who is my co-writer in this book-he would edit them-has a column called minister of culture for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. So it was sort of a natural thing I thought I would go into. But, I was always little bit more interested in me than the people I was interviewing. You know, I thought I was on the wrong side of the pen. 

Regis: Some people are like that. 

PH: I know. It’s not a great quality for a human being, but a perfect quality for a Hollywood actress. So, here I am. 

Kelly: So, how did your dad feel when you switched channels? 

PH: Well, I was very nervous about telling him. I thought…. 

Regis: He was worried about you. 

PH: He said if you want to switch major, that’s fine. Actually, he just wanted me to graduate first. And, he thought I would probably come back to Cleveland with my little degree in theater, and work in a bank or a TV station or something. Then, I told him I was going to NY. He objected to that at first, but he was very supportive, and gave me $800, and said go. That lasted for about 2 days in NYC. 

Regis: You were firm. You didn’t ask him? 

PH: Yeah, I told him. It was the first time in my life, I felt I was on my own, and I didn’t need permission. 

Regis: So, you came to NY and experienced all the highs and lows of NY life. 

PH: Yeah. It was great at the beginning. You are young and 21. I was living above a restaurant and I was hostessing. I modeled shoes. I ran a Xerox machine at “ People” magazine. I was the room service waitress at the hotel Park Meridian over there. 

Regis: You met a lot of very famous people at the hotel. 

PH: In their underwear! Thank you very much. 

Regis: Tell us who? 

PH: Can I tell you something? John Cougar Mel encamp comes to the door in his underwear. I was the only woman in the room service at 6 am shift. And, I am thinking am I a person or not? Or am I just the thing holding your coffee? 

Regis: You are a living, breathing human being! 

Patricia: Put the robe on. I am a person. I have eyes. I can see you. So, John Denver, underwear. Dustin Hoffman, fully dressed. Thank you very much. And, I rode up in the elevator with Terri Garr. At that time, I think she had just come off “Tootsie”, and then cut the scene years later to L.A., and we are doing a TV a show together! 

(Clip from “A Vote For Debra”) 

Regis: That’s everybody’s house in the wintertime. So, where does this show (Raymond) supposed to take place? 

PH: In Long Island, in Lind brook. 

Regis: 7 years now. 

PH: 7 years! 

Regis: 4 Emmy nominations. 

PH: Yeah and Ray finally wins his first this year. (Applause) 

Regis: Let me ask you this. You won twice. 

PH: Yeah, I won twice.. 

Regis: Ray didn’t win in those years. Was Ray like little bit upset? 

PH: Ray, he… 

Regis: Did Ray have this sad, long Italian face, Italian eyes? 

PH: Ray is happy when things go wrong. He feels more secure when things are bad. When things start going well, he gets nervous that something really bad is coming around the corner. Oddly enough, now that he has won an Emmy, he’s sort of talking about the show ending and he’s gonna fly off in his jet.. 

Regis: Oh, that’s it for him. His final conquest. 

PH: And, now he has movie offers….. 

Regis: Leading man Ray… 

PH (with smile): He will be crawling back soon. I’ll have my own show then, and he’ll be guesting on it. 

Regis: That’s right, baby. Don’t forget that! 

Kelly: So, how do you get ready for the Emmy night? You looked so stunning! I was like she had 4 kids. Where did she put them away? 

PH: They were all running around. We go to church in the morning. You know, I can tell they are never going to go to church when they grow up. Because, me telling them to go to church is like (in angry motherly voice) “Go to church, cause everything we have is from God and you gonna get there and thank him.” Then once we get there, all I’m thinking about is, am I gonna win? What should I say when I win? What should I wear? (All laughing) 

Kelly: Dear Lord.. 

PH: Dear Lord, make Jennifer lose. (Laughing) No, no. I like her very much. Very happy she won. 

Regis: So, you get home from church. How do you get ready? 

PH: My friend Brett comes over and does my hair and makeup. And, you know I had a little bit of work done, which I talk about in the book, makes it easier to get ready. 

Kelly: I’m getting the phone number from you. 

Regis: What kind of work are you talking about? 

PH: I had 4 C-sections. They were all 10 pounders, those guys. So, that did a number on my tummy. So, I had to have it kind of reworked. 

Kelly: I love that you said. Your stomach was like an old bag, or luggage, or something. Cause that is so accurate! 

PH: Yeah. Yeah. Like those cute little sharpie dogs. Like that. But not cute. Then of course, you know, nursing 4 boys. You know, they are big drinkers. They are Irish..(Laughs) 

Kelly: Like something out of National Geographic. 

Regis: You see Gelman. This is.. 

Kelly: That’s true. You know, what happens after first couple is you can literally just put the baby on the floor, stand there and do the dishes, and nurse. 

PH: That’s right. Also, the advantage to having them lifted was that now my waist size went down because I no longer had to tuck them into my belt! (Laughter ensues) 

Kelly: Woo! Woo! 

Regis: Lovely, lovely book. Patricia Heaton, author of “M&H”. It’s all here. Catch ELR on Monday night at 9 EST. Thank you.