** Thanks D. for the
transcript **
PATRICIA: Aren't
they great! (Ellen
admires Patricia's boots)
ELLEN: It's a
combination sock - boot.
That's all in one. Those are
great.
I've got to get me some.
Congratulations on the show
winning it's first
Emmy.
PATRICIA: Isn't that
great. First time. It's
about time! I was thrilled
for
the writers because it's all
abut the writing. I was
thrilled for Debra
Messing. Truly thrilled for
her. (somewhat sarcastic)
ELLEN: You seem it.
(sarcastic)
PATRICIA: Her joy was
so powerful and I know what
that feels like. But...
ELLEN: You've won
twice.
PATRICIA: I've
won twice but I have a three
Emmy ego. There's a deep
chasm there that hasn't been
filled yet. I just love to
win damn it! I was so
thrilled for her but hated
losing. And of course the
gift basket thing.
ELLEN: You missed out
on the gift basket. You
didn't even present.
PATRICIA: No, I
didn't present.
ELLEN: If you win or
you present you get this
unbelievable gift basket.
PATRICIA: This is the
thing. I shouldn't be so
greedy because I have stuff
from a gift basket I got
four years ago.
ELLEN: Still?
PATRICIA: I have a
block of soap in my dressing
room. It's a glycerine honey
oat bar the size of a cement
block when I got it. That
was three years ago.
ELLEN: That's handy
for soap.
PATRICIA: I'm working
with Ray so I wash my hands
about six times a day. So
now it's the size of a
brick. I don't really need
another basket. They give
you this thing of essential
oils. I don't even know what
the essential part is...
ELLEN: But you must
have it.
PATRICIA: You
must have it. It came in the
size of a moon shine jug.
You have to put it over your
shoulders. That's still
there. I'm sure the
essentials have evaporated
by now.
ELLEN: It has been
awhile because now they give
you beds and trips to
places.
PATRICIA: Trips to
Tahiti.
ELLEN: Four years
ago they were giving soap
away. I presented this year
and
there was a trip to Bora
Bora in there.
PATRICIA:
That's what I've heard.
ELLEN: Like I can
ever go to Bora Bora. I'm
busy. So basically you're
upset that you didn't win.
Are you a competitive
person?
PATRICIA:
Very. I'm just going to say
it man. I'm competitive.
ELLEN: You should be.
PATRICIA: I wouldn't
be here if I wasn't.
ELLEN: Exactly.
PATRICIA: Everything.
My kids have started
surfing. And I want to do
stuff also to participate
with them. It's all boys.
I'm not going to skateboard
and I
don't care about Nintendo. I
took a lesson this summer.
I'm 45 and I took a
lesson this summer. I don't
like the ocean. I don't like
being cold. But I
look fabulous in a wet suit.
Especially with boots like
these. The wet suit
with the stilettos. I told
the instructor that I really
hate this whole thing
but I'm going to give it a
shot. Then I'm out there and
there is like a
girls school of surfers.
They're like five. I kind of
paddling out there and
they glide by me. Screw
them. Those five year olds.
That's the nice version
of what I said. I got up on
that board. I was up there.
ELLEN: Are you
serious?
PATRICIA: Yea, it was
great. And I really loved
it. I am not an ocean/water
person at all. But that was
really great.
ELLEN: It seems like
it would be freezing. First
of all, it seems hard to
much less stand on it but to
get up on it while it's
moving. If I had two
people holding onto me I
probably could stand on it.
PATRICIA: I'm pretty
short so it's easier, I'm
lower to the board. And I
kinda
of just planted my feet and
sailed in. He said I looked
like that Hawaiian
king Haka Maka Moo who just
use to sailed in on his
board with his feet
planted. I just think also
Raymond is going to be over.
So I might start looking at
doing movies.
ELLEN: So you should
surf?
PATRICIA:
Here's what I think, they'll
bring the "Gidget" series back. She'll be just about
my age so it will be "Gidget
goes through Menopause."
ELLEN: "Gidget Breaks
a Hip" is what it's going to
be. I'm 45 too but I'd
be scared to death to do
that thing. But let me ask
you this real quick. Is
it the same as the scuba
suit? Are supposed to pee in
your suit?
PATRICIA: No.
ELLEN: It's true.
Have you ever heard of that?
They say that's what your
supposed to do. I've never
done it but that's what your
suppose to do.
PATRICIA: If you
just can't hold it?
ELLEN: No, not if you
just can't hold it.
PATRICIA:
Really???
ELLEN: To stay warm.
PATRICIA: To stay
warm?
ELLEN: Yea.
PATRICIA: I thought
you meant to mark your
territory so no one else
will put your suit on.
ELLEN: Because I seem
crazy right now, we're going
to go to a commercial
break. I promise you. I'm
not making this up.
PATRICIA: Get an
expert on this question.
COMMERCIAL
ELLEN: All right.
We're back with Patricia
Heaton. Because I
don't want to look like I'm
crazy, Spence, our cue card
guy, you'll go on
record. You surf? And?
SPENCE: Yes. I have
peed in a wet suit.
ELLEN: He has peed
in a wet suit. Thank you. I
don't want to look like I'm
saying stuff like that.
That's what I've heard. I've
never done it. Everybody is
celebrating something. We
have people in the audience
celebrating their 17 year
wedding anniversary. You're
celebrating 13 years? Was it
today or yesterday?
PATRICIA: Uhh.
. . It was . . . uhh . . .
ELLEN: You don't even
know, do you?
PATRICIA: It
was yesterday. I was talking
to your producer earlier and
he said, "so you have an
anniversary coming up." I
said, I do? Thank you for
telling me. I even forgot to
mention it to my husband.
Happy Anniversary Honey. I
was just waiting to say it
on national television.
That's so romantic isn't it?
ELLEN: Yea. So you
didn't really remember your
anniversary?
PATRICIA: I
didn't. You know. (Sigh)
We have a great
marriage.
ELLEN: Uh ha.
(sarcastic)
PATRICIA: Oh man.
ELLEN: Listen, I'm
not Dr. Phil. You don't need
to tell me what's going
on.
PATRICIA: No, it's
really good. We have four
kids and things just fly
buy. You
just can't remember
everything. There's things
you just want to forget.
Like
the wedding.
ELLEN: What was going
on at the wedding?
PATRICIA: Well, I met
him. I was moving into an
apartment in New York to be
closer to the guy I was
dating. I sublet the
apartment from my "now"
husband apartment to be
closer to the guy I was
dating. He was British.
Sorry (toward Tony - band
director who is British)
He said all those phrases
and it seemed so attractive.
He was an actor. You know a
creepy actor. Now we have
four boys. What happened in
between there? At the
wedding we were going down
the aisle and I was just
sobbing. My friends were
saying, that was so sweet
that you were crying down
the aisle. The fact is, I
just knew I was making the
biggest mistake of my life.
That's why I was weeping.
"Why am I doing this?" Here
we are. Here we are.
ELLEN: Well..
PATRICIA: I
still have my maiden name
"Heaton" and he keeps asking
why don't you change your
name. Why don't you change
it to "Hunt"? I say not yet,
not yet. Give it another 13
years, we'll see. But we're
doing great.
ELLEN: It sounds like
a great relationship.
Somehow you have four boys.
I
don't know what happened.
Four under 11. You have four
boys? How old are
they?
PATRICIA: They
are 22 months apart. Four,
six, eight and ten. It's
those kinds of things that
make me a little bitter. My
husband could not wait!
Could not wait until I
healed, until I finished
nursing. Right back and have
another
one.
ELLEN: You have some
say in that you know. I
think. I hear that boys are
so different than girls in
their energy anyway. How
many baseball bats and
trucks do you have?
PATRICIA: It's
all over the house. All that
kind of crap and it's all
over the
house.
ELLEN: Where's the
boys? Where's that picture?
PATRICIA: I'm a guy
mom. I love being with them.
ELLEN: There they are
at a neighbors house,
they're probably not even
home.
PATRICIA: Last night
. . .
ELLEN: Have you seen
them lately? This is them.
PATRICIA: I was with
them all weekend. Friday
night we saw a dog movie,
Saturday night we went to a
skateboard thing at the
Staple Center, a Tony Hawk
thing, Sunday we rented a
dragon movie, "Reign of
Fire" which was so cool. I
secretly love being in a
house full of testosterone.
I get to watch stuff blow
up. I love those kind of
movies. I love "Independence
Day", "Rain of Fire" " Lord
of the Rings. "
ELLEN: Is that sort
of like the movie you just
did coming in January for
TNT.
PATRICIA: Yes, I did
the "Goodbye Girl".
ELLEN: That's not
like that at all.
PATRICIA: No,
that's a sensitive love
story - comedy.
ELLEN: That's on in
January?
PATRICIA: Yea. For
TNT in January. Me, Jeff
Daniels and Hallie
Eisenberg.
ELLEN: "Everybody
Loves Raymond" is on Monday
nights on CBS. Thank you for
being here. 
